March Madness Vasectomies Anyone?

Yesterday I heard one of the smartest radio ads of all time. It was for a doctors office that specializes in vasectomies. I know what you are thinking, “A radio ad for a vasectomy, are they performing them in a Burger King bathroom?” Trust me I thought the same thing. Then I listened to their pitch.

It’s simple, your husband is going to be sitting on his butt all weekend watching March Madness so why not get him snipped on Wed. and then he can sit out the rest of the weekend recovering?!?! Seriously, it’s hard to get a man to do anything drastic downstairs, but this might just be the ultimate comprimise. 

How many men do you know are looking for an excuse to get out of work on Thursday/Friday, this most hallowed of weeks? And how many men are willing to do something drastic so that they can sit on their can watching basketball and eating Cheetos all weekend? My guess…75%. So here is the solution, tell your boss you have to go in for ‘Surgery’. A smart boss never asks what type of surgery, waaaayyyy too much information. So you go in early Thursday morning, get a 30 min operation (I only know this because the ad said it only takes 30 min), lose some sterlity (big deal right?!? , get a prescription for some painkillers (now you can watch basketball and feel like you are in the game), and then go home and sit on your can four days. 

Seems like the perfect solution. Your wife is happy because you won’t be impregnating anything anytime soon and she won’t have to be on birth control. 

Risk? Yes…but they did say it is scalpel free. So what do you have to lose?

Firing blanks never felt so good.  G0 “insert team here”!

Employees Only?

Am I taking away anybody’s personal freedoms by asking that we require this sign in every public bathroom to say, “EVERYBODY must wash hands” ?

Actually it should read, “EVERYBODY must wash hands, some of you twice*”

*Inquire with management to see if you qualify!

A little Strange…

I saw a guy today in full camo talking on a pink cell phone. I thought that was a bit of an oxymoron.

Cheetos…a cleanliness decision

The Cheetos Clean Up Team

Do you ever feel like you need to call these guys to come in and clean up after you have devoured Cheetos? Please don’t get me wrong–I am a huge fan of crunchy Cheetos. They rock. But I have to consider where I am going to eat the ‘tos everytime based on the large amount of cheese that accumulates on my fingers, face, and wherever else I rub their processed cheese goodness.

I’m a clean guy. I don’t like rubbing orange cheese goo on my pants and I’m not the biggest fan of licking my fingers…it just doesn’t go for me.

But I really like Cheetos and I want to give them a fair shake. I mean how many times have you craved Cheetos while you are in bed reading a book about Zombie-insurrections (I know I have) and you can’t eat the Cheetos because you know it will cause all kinds of problems with the old lady?

Last night I came up with a genius solution–’The Cheetos Clean up kit’. In the kit is a pair of rubber gloves, some wet naps, and a mini-dental kit. I think the idea is genius. It’s a Cheetos-kit for those that want the taste of Cheetos but not the disgusting mess…your thoughts?

An American Creed

I Do Not Choose to Be a Common Man

By Dean Alfange

It is my right to be uncommon—if I can.

I seek opportunity—not security. I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me.

I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed.

I refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence; the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia.

I will not trade freedom for beneficence nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any master nor bend to any threat.

It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, enjoy the benefit of my creations and to face the world boldly and say, “This I have done.”

Obamanomics

I had this long post written then realized that I can sum it up with a shorter parable:

Imagine you are in High School. You have a huge test coming up…you study really hard, you work harder than anybody in the class. The test comes and you ace it-get 100%. When the class gets their test back the teacher comes to the front of the class and says–all of you that got 95% or better we are going to take 40 percentage points from your scores and give it to the rest of the class so they get better scores.

You are frustrated because you studied harder than they did, you stayed after with the teacher to ask questions, put your skin on the line to ace the test–and now the teacher is going to take your great score and give it portions of it to other students that didn’t put forth the extra effort, didn’t try as hard as you, didn’t put the extra time in–even though you offered to study with them, to help them, even though they had the same book as you, they had the same teacher and the same study groups to go to, even the kids with the learning disabilies were offered help-but they didn’t take it.

This my friends is Obama’s economic plan. You are punished for being successful. The government decides what to do with your money (typically in ineffective programs), and no matter how much help you offer (jobs for employees, health care for employees, personal and business donations to charity) You are punished because you put your skin on the line and you were successful. And YOU don’t get to decide how you can help others.

Now, I don’t make $250,000 a year but I hope to one day. I hope to be an entrepreneur and it scares the hell out of me that even though I’m the one putting it out there–I will get the kick between the legs.

Vote for Obama and say goodbye to the American Dream, say goodbye to jobs and say goodbye to innovation!

New Word

I just need to say this. So I am going to come out and say it…

… sportscasters need a new word for “penetration”. I’m not going to get into the reasons why. I think you can figure them out.

How to sell more food

If you are in the restaurant business I’ve learned how you can make at least 30% more profits on your food.

Simply write “Grandma’s Homemade Recipe” in the tagline. Say you make soup…I’m willing to bet if you put “Grandma’s Homemade Recipe” on one of your soup dishes it will outsell everything else.

Seriously, if grandma made it you know it is at least ten times better. Even if you serve Campbell’s Chicken Noodle out of a can and your grandma poured into the pan (so you wouldn’t be lying), that soup would out do every other one simple because grandma was involved.

Secret Recipe used to be the tagline that restaurants used–and it sold thousands, I mean who doesn’t want to try the secret recipe. But sadly the secret recipe turned into the mystery recipe and company’s like Doritos started trying to sell you the Super XC-75 mystery chip in a white bag, because they knew nobody wanted to eat Meat Loaf flavored tortilla chips.

So as for me and my secret recipes….I’ll let “Grandma” make them.

Please Note: I don’t know how to make anything other than waffles.

Associations…

Have you ever noticed that when you see a Pontiac driven by a women that 9/10 times  SOMETHING is hanging from the rear view mirror. More often than not it is a dream catcher or big fuzzy dice. I am not exaggerating here, everytime time I see a Pontiac there is more than just a smelly tree hanging from the mirror.

P.S. Big Fluffy bangs also seem to go hand in hand with Pontiacs…

The most effective website of all time!

This is digusting but I think I am sold…

(P.S. Don’t eat while looking at this site)

http://www.blessedherbs.com/bh/node/1877?s_cid=naturopathcontent_41_4_001&