I have thought a lot lately about what my ideal life would be. It would include the usual—the ability to work from a nice home office, make millions, and drink pina coladas from abalone shells all day. But I have added an important dimension to my ideal life—what I would wear each day.

Some people, such as Hugh Heffner (I think I spelled that right!?) opt for the pajamas. Others opt for the medical scrubs look, like the people in the TV show Scrubs and some men go for the man-thong (Cher) but as for me and my ideal life, I’ll stick to the track/jump suit.

Personally nothing inspires me more than to go to the mall mid-day and watching old folks walking at break neck speeds while wearing a track suit. It inspires. Other than actual track stars and athletes the only other people I can think that wear track suits are old folks and mobsters.

Think about it. Every mob TV show or movie, if they aren’t wearing a fancy suit they are rolling big in a brown velour jump suit, matching top and bottom of course, with chest hair hanging out like ivy on an old building. Oh and don’t forget the gold cross—very important to complete the look.

This is my ideal look.

Another great thing about the track pant is that you can just take them right off. No messing with zippers, buttons or belts. You just give your trousers one hefty tug and presto you can jump in the hot tub. The jacket is just as nice. If you don’t want to wear a shirt underneath you can just bare chest it (recommended if you want to get some color on those chest follicles.). Seriously, who wants to pull off or unbutton an obnoxious shirt or sweater when you can just zip it off? The matching jacket has some major advantages!

There is one downside to the track pant suit – its obnoxious and low-life cousin, the tapered sweat pant. All of us have had one of those days, you know the ones—depressed because you are a loser, you can’t get a date, your wife thinks you smell like garlic and 12 month old ham, your dog ate your car keys and you had to reach in a pull them out; just one of those down in the dumps days! When you get done dealing with all the crap and you are struggling with what to do to cheer yourself up, instead of going for a night on the town and wearing something really hot like just a bow tie or throwing on jeans and hanging out with friends, you opt for the dreaded tapered leg sweat pant with the big holes in the knees and that grasp desperately at your calves instead of your ankles.

This means you are doomed to spend the rest of the night in front of the TV putting easy cheese on any food product you can find, and possibly even body parts while watching reruns of Baywatch or even worse, reruns of Jerry Springer in Spanish! It’s a wicked downward spiral all because of one type of clothing, the tapered sweat pants.

They are just so closely related to the track suit, it’s worrisome! What a difference sewing and fabric type can make! But don’t worry; I have a few safeguards:

1. Don’t put the sweat pants in the same drawer as the track suit. Negativity begets negativity and the last thing you need is those two talking to each other.
2. Treat your “T-suit” as I call it, like an actual suit—you may even want to dry clean it!
3. Trying to dress up a pair of sweat pants just doesn’t work. Once a s.p. always an s.p. and everyone will see right through the patches and the nifty craft work.
4. Don’t, whatever you do, try to pull off wearing sweat pants underneath the track suit. This is not acceptable and will just cause chaffing and make the sweat pants believe they are somebody (you don’t want to give the wrong idea). And that’s the last thing we need!

I hope this discussion has been helpful, may we all live the ideal life in the sexiest brown velour track suit we can find! (and don’t forget the gold cross and chest hair—fellas!)