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You know what makes me happy. That congress has decided to go after Roger Clemens. Finally we get those blasted steroid users for lying on the stand about shrinking their peepees. The war in Iraq and Afghan, the faltering economy, the impending energy issues, immigration, all don’t matter!
You know who we should get next? People who steal their neighbors Wi-Fi! Athletes and Wi-Fi thieves are the downfall of this country…I think it is waterboarding time!
Conspiracy is defined as, “a group of conspirators banded together to achieve some harmful or illegal purpose”. After years of debating whether or not to expose the greatest conspiracy in U.S. history, mostly due to the fact that I value my life and my lips, I have decided to put my kissers on the line. Are you ready? “The slippery spotted seal slides south for the winter”, that is code for Chap Stick is the greatest conspiracy of all time!
Seriously, I have used the greasy stuff since I was 13 and I CAN’T STOP! What do they put in Chap Stick that makes it physically impossible to kick the habit?Have you ever attempted to give up Chap Stick? It is like you have fish scales for lips after a day of not applying! I’m not doing it anymore. I have probably spent thousands just trying to keep the status quo. If you really think about it Chap Stick is a drug addiction, let me explain…
#1 Peer pressure makes you do it. You figure one day, “Hey everybody else is using the stick! Why shouldn’t I?”
#2 Your first experience gives you a high. Well, kind of–your lips have never been so soft!
#3 You can never stop once you start unless you want to put yourself through immense amounts of pain!
I am calling for a break through in the world of lip lubricants. I think we need to investigate these addiction pushers. I am going to start a support group for those who have an addiction (this blog). Please let me know how I or anyone out there can help you. Submit your stories, complaints or anything related to your chapped lips and your voice will be heard! I can just imagine the first post, ” Hi, my name is Joe and I have been using Chap Stick since the 5th grade. Everybody was doing it and I just wanted some friends. It has gotten so bad lately that I use a stick a week!” This could get ugly. Look at what these conspirators have done!
For those of you who have started eating your Chap Stick, I’m afraid there is no hope. Start wearing sweat pants and tucked in XXXL Garfield shirts, you should just give up on life. But please share your story with us!
I know what you are thinking, those are so hot lips! But it has taken 13 years of constant lubing to maintain them!
