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I Do Not Choose to Be a Common Man
By Dean Alfange
It is my right to be uncommon—if I can.
I seek opportunity—not security. I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me.
I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed.
I refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence; the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia.
I will not trade freedom for beneficence nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any master nor bend to any threat.
It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, enjoy the benefit of my creations and to face the world boldly and say, “This I have done.”
I had this long post written then realized that I can sum it up with a shorter parable:
Imagine you are in High School. You have a huge test coming up…you study really hard, you work harder than anybody in the class. The test comes and you ace it-get 100%. When the class gets their test back the teacher comes to the front of the class and says–all of you that got 95% or better we are going to take 40 percentage points from your scores and give it to the rest of the class so they get better scores.
You are frustrated because you studied harder than they did, you stayed after with the teacher to ask questions, put your skin on the line to ace the test–and now the teacher is going to take your great score and give it portions of it to other students that didn’t put forth the extra effort, didn’t try as hard as you, didn’t put the extra time in–even though you offered to study with them, to help them, even though they had the same book as you, they had the same teacher and the same study groups to go to, even the kids with the learning disabilies were offered help-but they didn’t take it.
This my friends is Obama’s economic plan. You are punished for being successful. The government decides what to do with your money (typically in ineffective programs), and no matter how much help you offer (jobs for employees, health care for employees, personal and business donations to charity) You are punished because you put your skin on the line and you were successful. And YOU don’t get to decide how you can help others.
Now, I don’t make $250,000 a year but I hope to one day. I hope to be an entrepreneur and it scares the hell out of me that even though I’m the one putting it out there–I will get the kick between the legs.
Vote for Obama and say goodbye to the American Dream, say goodbye to jobs and say goodbye to innovation!
After much deliberation and forethought I have figured out who John McCain’s running mate is:
THIS GUY
I don’t know who this guy is, nor do I know why he has sunscreen on indoors but his concern for healthy nose skincare is a beckoning call to everybody within the sound of his voice (Republicans and democrats)
I have a request to discuss the evolution of the back scratch. My extensive, very educated research offered very few answers to the actual origins of the back scratch but I will best organize the data I have found on the subject. I will first start with the origin of the back scratch and then offer some suggestions for public back scratching. (Note : A later entry will discuss scratching of other types, such as why it is okay for a baseball player to scratch himself but not for you to stand up in a business meeting and do the same)
History
Many are surprised to learn that back scratching’s early beginning were developed by our earliest ancestor, the cavemen. It took them a great deal of thought to finally figure out how to relieve the most simple of itches. In fact the annoying scratch in the mid-section of the back became such a problem that many of our early ancestors actually tried cutting off their back. Thus you have the “hunched” look of our earliest relatives. They just cut them right off.
Eventually the cavemen figured out, by watching big-foot’s relatives, that they can rub up against a tree to alleviate ANY scratch. They liked it so much that old trees today, if you look closely, actually have the hair from cavemen’s back still lodged in the tree. Another little known fact -this action of tree back-scratching eventually turned into the first body shaver—who knew?!?
Our early ancestors looking for a good tree to relieve that back scratch!
Time wore on and the inconvenience of having to find a tree to relieve back itchiness finally took its toll and civilization finally discovered that they could use their fingers to relieve the most nasty of itches! Thus the finger nail as a pain relieving device was born! Early fake nails were actually developed to relieve back itches and were made of bark! Not the prettiest devices but they got down to the core of a back itch!
Because of the ravages of the plague people began to use sticks and such to eradicate the itch. Plague ridden fingernails just don’t go well with a dinner! Especially when you wash your hands in a plague ridden river! It’s just so plaguey!
Watch out for those fingernails!
In come the real heros of the middle-ages, archers. These crafty devils used their arrows to relieve the most obnoxious of itches. For years people with incredible back acne knew they had a career with the local archer battalion because they knew a ruptured zit would always be scratchable! Time however wore on and as arrows became sharper and more expensive and the plague disappeared people went back the traditional self back-hand job.
The real heroes of the dark ages!
Around this time a new development came, mostly from the royality, to just have someone else do it. In fact in many royal spheres a personal back scratcher (a person) was a very nice St. Patrick’s day present. Soon this idea of a personal back scratcher descended down all levels of social classes. Even to the lower class which of course could not afford a personal back scratcher, so the duty was assigned to a wife or local town wench. Wife being preferred due to the lack of diseases—this proud tradition of having someone else scratch your back has continued today but with something that would confound the cavemen of old…we do it today for pleasure!
T Today many a couple or potential couple enjoys the tickling back sensation. One such place that people enjoy this pleasurable experience is at church. It seems quite the oxymoron to receive pleasure at church, but if done correctly one can receive the ultimate back pleasure and still not go to hell. Let me give you some guidelines:
- Your shirt should stay on at church. No exceptions—even if you are playing basketball in the church gym and need a quickie (a term for quick back scratch for you newbies)
- For ultimate pleasure wear a thin material—helps you get to the chase (No! Mesh is NOT okay)
- Sit in the back rows. Nobody, especially those that sit behind you don’t want to see you receiving a back job. It incites feelings of jealousy
- Massaging is okay—lightly (laying on the bench with only a towel on doesn’t qualify—but that would be awesome—massage pros at church—talk about a way to increase attendance.)
- Ear tickling can be a little too much—especially when you blow in it. (I’m talking two guys here)
I hope those guidelines help and be thankful that we have evolved to this point. (and that you don’t have plague underneath your fingernails! Ewwww!)
I think I have found the used car of my dreams. When this baby hits the market, I will be the first to bid on it!
http://www.newsweek.com/id/132074
Just imagine cruising around your local town in that baby! Life would be blessed experience…pun intended. But when I start getting called Holy Father I may have to explain some things.
P.S. You know that the Pope is rocking to some Queen behind that bulletproof glass.
So a few weeks ago we had some fun coming up with my write in vote–Bob Barker. Now I think we need to find a running mate for John McCain. What do you think? I saw a bit on Conan the other night but I think we could do much better! So here’s who I got:
1. Alf-furry, lovable a great diplomat for our alien friends
2. Dick Vitale-perfect to spruce up the same old boring McCain Speech. Just imagine this, “I will follow Bin Laden to the gates of hell if I have to.” “Yeah baaabbbbyyy!”
3. Donald Trump-this actually isn’t a bad idea and he can make up for McCain’s folical challenges
4. Tony Robbins-I can’t help but think that America needs a motivational speaker
5. A Magic bullet-Don’t ask. Seriously don’t ask.
6. The Planter’s Peanut-Just because of the cheesy presidential campaigns you could come up with. ‘You’d be nuts not to vote for McCain/Planter’s” “We’ll ‘cashew’ at the voting booth” “Break out of your shell and vote for a nut!”
That’s what I got for now…I’ll keep this going for a while. I want your ideas and please share why!
I’ve got it. After hours of deliberation, I finally have my write in vote for 2008.
Forget the energy crisis.
Forget the war in Irag.
Forget our struggling economy.
Forget about illegal immigration.
My guy will take care of the most pressing issue of our generation:
THE SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL PET POPULATION.
This man will make sure that every dog, cat, fish, reptile, lawyer, insect and basically anything that breathes can no longer procreate.
I’m talking about none other than the super tan, protect the world from pet over-population robot-Bob Barker.
Now I just need a running mate…and would love your help.
Barker 2008!
I must make a correction. Some folks who took the time to read my last post made me aware that a member of the famed group Il Divo is an American Citizen.
God Bless America – I now have a pop-star to write in. Robert Matthew Van Winkle was my only hope til now!
This November I am not going to have anybody to vote for in the general election. I think the options are dismal. And because my vote does not matter in this upcoming election or any for that matter. I am starting to think of the ultimate write in vote. I would love some suggestions. Here’s what I got:
Ron Paul (My actual vote)
Neil Diamond
Barry Manilow
Shawn Kemp
The artist formally known as Prince (not the current Prince)
Il Divo (Mostly because they are only 1/3 American citizens)
Prince Charles
Dumbledore
Indiana Jones (not Harrison Ford)
Would love some suggestions…
I think there should be a royal family in America. I haven’t quite figured out why we should have a royal family, I just think it would be nice to have more people we can follow around with cameras. Actually the more I think about it the more potential this could have, especially for President Bush. Instead of receiving all the blame for America’s problems he could redirect all the blame to the royal family, even though, like the British Royal family, they would have no really authority.
I really think this could be an important step in America’s political future. Also it would be a great distraction from what is really going on in our country, “The dollar is worth a handful of dirt! Who cares the king was seen at the store buying hemorrhoid cream!” Seriously we need to look into this. America has been searching for a Royal family for ages—The Hatfield and McCoys, The Ed McMahon family, The Full House family, and more recently the Tono Romo and Jessica Simpson family!
I know this is a little bold but I would like to nominate my lovely wife and I to be the first King and Queen of America. I am arrogant, aristocratic and have a great fake British accent and of course Lara can be my trophy queen! (I married up big time!). So I beg you at this next election instead of actually voting for a candidate (like it matters!)—write in Tim Thorn and wife for your next King and Queen. I promise I will serve you well—only if you kiss my ring while kneeling before me. Maybe you could have some “Knighthood’ potential.
Also something else British we should copy here in the good ol’ U.S. of A is the British House of Commons. Has anyone seen these guys? If you get really crazy, and I mean like too many Smarties and cheap cola crazy, go to CSpan late at night, probably a Sunday and watch the British House of Commons. It makes our congress look like a bunch of sissy Mary’s. These guys yell at each other, they make fun of each other, people get actually get into scrapes, I’m pretty sure I heard a “Your momma” joke last night. I loved it. I really think congress should look into this—it will at least add some entertainment while they continue to get nothing done!
Your Future King
