Yesterday I heard one of the smartest radio ads of all time. It was for a doctors office that specializes in vasectomies. I know what you are thinking, “A radio ad for a vasectomy, are they performing them in a Burger King bathroom?” Trust me I thought the same thing. Then I listened to their pitch.

It’s simple, your husband is going to be sitting on his butt all weekend watching March Madness so why not get him snipped on Wed. and then he can sit out the rest of the weekend recovering?!?! Seriously, it’s hard to get a man to do anything drastic downstairs, but this might just be the ultimate comprimise. 

How many men do you know are looking for an excuse to get out of work on Thursday/Friday, this most hallowed of weeks? And how many men are willing to do something drastic so that they can sit on their can watching basketball and eating Cheetos all weekend? My guess…75%. So here is the solution, tell your boss you have to go in for ‘Surgery’. A smart boss never asks what type of surgery, waaaayyyy too much information. So you go in early Thursday morning, get a 30 min operation (I only know this because the ad said it only takes 30 min), lose some sterlity (big deal right?!? , get a prescription for some painkillers (now you can watch basketball and feel like you are in the game), and then go home and sit on your can four days. 

Seems like the perfect solution. Your wife is happy because you won’t be impregnating anything anytime soon and she won’t have to be on birth control. 

Risk? Yes…but they did say it is scalpel free. So what do you have to lose?

Firing blanks never felt so good.  G0 “insert team here”!

Am I taking away anybody’s personal freedoms by asking that we require this sign in every public bathroom to say, “EVERYBODY must wash hands” ?

Actually it should read, “EVERYBODY must wash hands, some of you twice*”

*Inquire with management to see if you qualify!

I saw a guy today in full camo talking on a pink cell phone. I thought that was a bit of an oxymoron.

The Cheetos Clean Up Team

Do you ever feel like you need to call these guys to come in and clean up after you have devoured Cheetos? Please don’t get me wrong–I am a huge fan of crunchy Cheetos. They rock. But I have to consider where I am going to eat the ‘tos everytime based on the large amount of cheese that accumulates on my fingers, face, and wherever else I rub their processed cheese goodness.

I’m a clean guy. I don’t like rubbing orange cheese goo on my pants and I’m not the biggest fan of licking my fingers…it just doesn’t go for me.

But I really like Cheetos and I want to give them a fair shake. I mean how many times have you craved Cheetos while you are in bed reading a book about Zombie-insurrections (I know I have) and you can’t eat the Cheetos because you know it will cause all kinds of problems with the old lady?

Last night I came up with a genius solution–’The Cheetos Clean up kit’. In the kit is a pair of rubber gloves, some wet naps, and a mini-dental kit. I think the idea is genius. It’s a Cheetos-kit for those that want the taste of Cheetos but not the disgusting mess…your thoughts?

I just need to say this. So I am going to come out and say it…

… sportscasters need a new word for “penetration”. I’m not going to get into the reasons why. I think you can figure them out.

If you are in the restaurant business I’ve learned how you can make at least 30% more profits on your food.

Simply write “Grandma’s Homemade Recipe” in the tagline. Say you make soup…I’m willing to bet if you put “Grandma’s Homemade Recipe” on one of your soup dishes it will outsell everything else.

Seriously, if grandma made it you know it is at least ten times better. Even if you serve Campbell’s Chicken Noodle out of a can and your grandma poured into the pan (so you wouldn’t be lying), that soup would out do every other one simple because grandma was involved.

Secret Recipe used to be the tagline that restaurants used–and it sold thousands, I mean who doesn’t want to try the secret recipe. But sadly the secret recipe turned into the mystery recipe and company’s like Doritos started trying to sell you the Super XC-75 mystery chip in a white bag, because they knew nobody wanted to eat Meat Loaf flavored tortilla chips.

So as for me and my secret recipes….I’ll let “Grandma” make them.

Please Note: I don’t know how to make anything other than waffles.

Have you ever noticed that when you see a Pontiac driven by a women that 9/10 times  SOMETHING is hanging from the rear view mirror. More often than not it is a dream catcher or big fuzzy dice. I am not exaggerating here, everytime time I see a Pontiac there is more than just a smelly tree hanging from the mirror.

P.S. Big Fluffy bangs also seem to go hand in hand with Pontiacs…

This is digusting but I think I am sold…

(P.S. Don’t eat while looking at this site)

http://www.blessedherbs.com/bh/node/1877?s_cid=naturopathcontent_41_4_001&

After much deliberation and forethought I have figured out who John McCain’s running mate is:

THIS GUY

I don’t know who this guy is, nor do I know why he has sunscreen on indoors but his concern for healthy nose skincare is a beckoning call to everybody within the sound of his voice (Republicans and democrats)

I have a request to discuss the evolution of the back scratch. My extensive, very educated research offered very few answers to the actual origins of the back scratch but I will best organize the data I have found on the subject. I will first start with the origin of the back scratch and then offer some suggestions for public back scratching. (Note : A later entry will discuss scratching of other types, such as why it is okay for a baseball player to scratch himself but not for you to stand up in a business meeting and do the same)

History

Many are surprised to learn that back scratching’s early beginning were developed by our earliest ancestor, the cavemen. It took them a great deal of thought to finally figure out how to relieve the most simple of itches. In fact the annoying scratch in the mid-section of the back became such a problem that many of our early ancestors actually tried cutting off their back. Thus you have the “hunched” look of our earliest relatives. They just cut them right off.

Eventually the cavemen figured out, by watching big-foot’s relatives, that they can rub up against a tree to alleviate ANY scratch. They liked it so much that old trees today, if you look closely, actually have the hair from cavemen’s back still lodged in the tree. Another little known fact -this action of tree back-scratching eventually turned into the first body shaver—who knew?!?

Our early ancestors looking for a good tree to relieve that back scratch!

Time wore on and the inconvenience of having to find a tree to relieve back itchiness finally took its toll and civilization finally discovered that they could use their fingers to relieve the most nasty of itches! Thus the finger nail as a pain relieving device was born! Early fake nails were actually developed to relieve back itches and were made of bark! Not the prettiest devices but they got down to the core of a back itch!

Because of the ravages of the plague people began to use sticks and such to eradicate the itch. Plague ridden fingernails just don’t go well with a dinner! Especially when you wash your hands in a plague ridden river! It’s just so plaguey!

Watch out for those fingernails!

In come the real heros of the middle-ages, archers. These crafty devils used their arrows to relieve the most obnoxious of itches. For years people with incredible back acne knew they had a career with the local archer battalion because they knew a ruptured zit would always be scratchable! Time however wore on and as arrows became sharper and more expensive and the plague disappeared people went back the traditional self back-hand job.

The real heroes of the dark ages!

Around this time a new development came, mostly from the royality, to just have someone else do it. In fact in many royal spheres a personal back scratcher (a person) was a very nice St. Patrick’s day present. Soon this idea of a personal back scratcher descended down all levels of social classes. Even to the lower class which of course could not afford a personal back scratcher, so the duty was assigned to a wife or local town wench. Wife being preferred due to the lack of diseases—this proud tradition of having someone else scratch your back has continued today but with something that would confound the cavemen of old…we do it today for pleasure!

T    Today many a couple or potential couple enjoys the tickling back sensation. One such place that people enjoy this pleasurable experience is at church. It seems quite the oxymoron to receive pleasure at church, but if done correctly one can receive the ultimate back pleasure and still not go to hell. Let me give you some guidelines:

• Your shirt should stay on at church. No exceptions—even if you are playing basketball in the church gym and need a quickie (a term for quick back scratch for you newbies)

• For ultimate pleasure wear a thin material—helps you get to the chase (No! Mesh is NOT okay)

• Sit in the back rows. Nobody, especially those that sit behind you don’t want to see you receiving a back job. It incites feelings of jealousy

• Massaging is okay—lightly (laying on the bench with only a towel on doesn’t qualify—but that would be awesome—massage pros at church—talk about a way to increase attendance.)

• Ear tickling can be a little too much—especially when you blow in it. (I’m talking two guys here)

I hope those guidelines help and be thankful that we have evolved to this point. (and that you don’t have plague underneath your fingernails! Ewwww!)