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I just need to say this. So I am going to come out and say it…
… sportscasters need a new word for “penetration”. I’m not going to get into the reasons why. I think you can figure them out.
Last night the little lady and I were watching a little Television when I completed the worst exchange between stations to ever occur.
I went from Maroon 5 (Horrible band, I don’t care what you say they suck)
to
Kobe Bryant winning the MVP. Tell me that isn’t the worst change in history!!
I was stunned at such television barf. I went in my room and took a break to recover.
Dearest friends,
I have a perplexing problem. I can’t decide if I should watch the Jazz game or not tonight. Most people will watch the teams that they love. But you see I have a bit of a curse. Every time I watch the Jazz on T.V. in a big game, they choke like Latrell Sprewell. I can’t decide. Maybe I need to just watch until the Jazz suck (which they usually do) then turn it back on hoping that they turned it around. What do you guys think?
Your biggest fan,
Cursed in Utah
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354266,00.html
I know how he feels. I haven’t taken my Tom Jones endorsed speedo off since 1988. It’s a little snug.
I have been sentenced to Jazz fan for life. Friday was a good time. I and my lovely wife wore every piece of good luck clothing we had. I had my lucky Jazz hat, Union Jack thong, and rabbit’s foot (actually was a live rabbit I hung off my belt by its foot–it just wouldn’t die!). My lovely wife wore about everything she could find that would be lucky. In the end it worked and I didn’t even need to spill my chos’ –a good thing because I only like to use that in emergencies.
Now I am doomed to follow a team that will almost always be so close…but will never get over the hump. In a way it’s worse than being a fan of a bad team. At least with a bad team you know what to expect and when they are good it is a pleasant surprise. But hey I guess it’s the prize you pay for being a fan, meanwhile I will now die at 60 instead of 70 because I get so worked up watching the games. Do you think I could sue?
Just ate a catered lunch. It was make your own taco salad–it had nacho cheese sauce. Normally this would be a bad thing, you know the heartburn and gas, but I’m going to strike this up in the win column! (I didn’t spill however, but did get plenty on my face!)
All I’m seeing is good omens.
Go Jazz–unless they lose then it will be Go Nobody!
It is about 12 hours to game time. I already have one bad omen to report–I dropped my lucky Jazz hat. I was bringing some civilian clothes to change into after work and while placing them in my ride, my lucky, white, Jazz hat fell in the gutter. It now has a nice mud stain. Any advice anybody to break this bad omen? Should I buy a new hat? Burn this one? Throw on the floor at the game, like in hockey? Please help!
P.S. The good news–Although I will be eating before the game, I’m still going buy nachos and pray to the almighty that I spill them!
I’m going to keep this real. I have been a Utah Jazz fan since I was a wee-tike. All those years I have learned one thing–never get your hopes up. Sadly I have never listened to that mantra and each year my heart is ripped out. This year I am letting fate do the picking. I am putting my fandom on the line Friday night.
I am going to the game. (I have an incredible playoff record I might add. The Jazz are like 10-1 when I am in attendance, knock on wood). If the Jazz win I will continue my fandom, and deal with subsequent years of dashed hopes and dreams. If they lose it is over. I will no longer be a Utah Jazz fan and I will add 10 years to my life.
It won’t be easy but Friday is judgment day.
P.S. For those of you who know me–I will be buying nachos. So pray that I spill them. (I have a 4-0 record when I spill my ‘chos at Jazz games–I can’t do it on purpose or they lose (0-2))
NBA fans, this should give you a good laugh…
I have thought a lot lately about what my ideal life would be. It would include the usual—the ability to work from a nice home office, make millions, and drink pina coladas from abalone shells all day. But I have added an important dimension to my ideal life—what I would wear each day.
Some people, such as Hugh Heffner (I think I spelled that right!?) opt for the pajamas. Others opt for the medical scrubs look, like the people in the TV show Scrubs and some men go for the man-thong (Cher) but as for me and my ideal life, I’ll stick to the track/jump suit.
Personally nothing inspires me more than to go to the mall mid-day and watching old folks walking at break neck speeds while wearing a track suit. It inspires. Other than actual track stars and athletes the only other people I can think that wear track suits are old folks and mobsters.
Think about it. Every mob TV show or movie, if they aren’t wearing a fancy suit they are rolling big in a brown velour jump suit, matching top and bottom of course, with chest hair hanging out like ivy on an old building. Oh and don’t forget the gold cross—very important to complete the look.
This is my ideal look.
Another great thing about the track pant is that you can just take them right off. No messing with zippers, buttons or belts. You just give your trousers one hefty tug and presto you can jump in the hot tub. The jacket is just as nice. If you don’t want to wear a shirt underneath you can just bare chest it (recommended if you want to get some color on those chest follicles.). Seriously, who wants to pull off or unbutton an obnoxious shirt or sweater when you can just zip it off? The matching jacket has some major advantages!
There is one downside to the track pant suit – its obnoxious and low-life cousin, the tapered sweat pant. All of us have had one of those days, you know the ones—depressed because you are a loser, you can’t get a date, your wife thinks you smell like garlic and 12 month old ham, your dog ate your car keys and you had to reach in a pull them out; just one of those down in the dumps days! When you get done dealing with all the crap and you are struggling with what to do to cheer yourself up, instead of going for a night on the town and wearing something really hot like just a bow tie or throwing on jeans and hanging out with friends, you opt for the dreaded tapered leg sweat pant with the big holes in the knees and that grasp desperately at your calves instead of your ankles.
This means you are doomed to spend the rest of the night in front of the TV putting easy cheese on any food product you can find, and possibly even body parts while watching reruns of Baywatch or even worse, reruns of Jerry Springer in Spanish! It’s a wicked downward spiral all because of one type of clothing, the tapered sweat pants.
They are just so closely related to the track suit, it’s worrisome! What a difference sewing and fabric type can make! But don’t worry; I have a few safeguards:
- Don’t put the sweat pants in the same drawer as the track suit. Negativity begets negativity and the last thing you need is those two talking to each other.
- Treat your “T-suit” as I call it, like an actual suit—you may even want to dry clean it!
- Trying to dress up a pair of sweat pants just doesn’t work. Once a s.p. always an s.p. and everyone will see right through the patches and the nifty craft work.
- Don’t, whatever you do, try to pull off wearing sweat pants underneath the track suit. This is not acceptable and will just cause chaffing and make the sweat pants believe they are somebody (you don’t want to give the wrong idea). And that’s the last thing we need!
I hope this discussion has been helpful, may we all live the ideal life in the sexiest brown velour track suit we can find! (and don’t forget the gold cross and chest hair—fellas!)
