(Myself not included)
After much deliberation and forethought I have figured out who John McCain’s running mate is:
THIS GUY
I don’t know who this guy is, nor do I know why he has sunscreen on indoors but his concern for healthy nose skincare is a beckoning call to everybody within the sound of his voice (Republicans and democrats)
I have a request to discuss the evolution of the back scratch. My extensive, very educated research offered very few answers to the actual origins of the back scratch but I will best organize the data I have found on the subject. I will first start with the origin of the back scratch and then offer some suggestions for public back scratching. (Note : A later entry will discuss scratching of other types, such as why it is okay for a baseball player to scratch himself but not for you to stand up in a business meeting and do the same)
History
Many are surprised to learn that back scratching’s early beginning were developed by our earliest ancestor, the cavemen. It took them a great deal of thought to finally figure out how to relieve the most simple of itches. In fact the annoying scratch in the mid-section of the back became such a problem that many of our early ancestors actually tried cutting off their back. Thus you have the “hunched” look of our earliest relatives. They just cut them right off.
Eventually the cavemen figured out, by watching big-foot’s relatives, that they can rub up against a tree to alleviate ANY scratch. They liked it so much that old trees today, if you look closely, actually have the hair from cavemen’s back still lodged in the tree. Another little known fact -this action of tree back-scratching eventually turned into the first body shaver—who knew?!?
Our early ancestors looking for a good tree to relieve that back scratch!
Time wore on and the inconvenience of having to find a tree to relieve back itchiness finally took its toll and civilization finally discovered that they could use their fingers to relieve the most nasty of itches! Thus the finger nail as a pain relieving device was born! Early fake nails were actually developed to relieve back itches and were made of bark! Not the prettiest devices but they got down to the core of a back itch!
Because of the ravages of the plague people began to use sticks and such to eradicate the itch. Plague ridden fingernails just don’t go well with a dinner! Especially when you wash your hands in a plague ridden river! It’s just so plaguey!
Watch out for those fingernails!
In come the real heros of the middle-ages, archers. These crafty devils used their arrows to relieve the most obnoxious of itches. For years people with incredible back acne knew they had a career with the local archer battalion because they knew a ruptured zit would always be scratchable! Time however wore on and as arrows became sharper and more expensive and the plague disappeared people went back the traditional self back-hand job.
The real heroes of the dark ages!
Around this time a new development came, mostly from the royality, to just have someone else do it. In fact in many royal spheres a personal back scratcher (a person) was a very nice St. Patrick’s day present. Soon this idea of a personal back scratcher descended down all levels of social classes. Even to the lower class which of course could not afford a personal back scratcher, so the duty was assigned to a wife or local town wench. Wife being preferred due to the lack of diseases—this proud tradition of having someone else scratch your back has continued today but with something that would confound the cavemen of old…we do it today for pleasure!
T Today many a couple or potential couple enjoys the tickling back sensation. One such place that people enjoy this pleasurable experience is at church. It seems quite the oxymoron to receive pleasure at church, but if done correctly one can receive the ultimate back pleasure and still not go to hell. Let me give you some guidelines:
I hope those guidelines help and be thankful that we have evolved to this point. (and that you don’t have plague underneath your fingernails! Ewwww!)
Yesterday I became the guy everybody hates. You know the guy on his Blue Tooth walking around Wal-Mart talking way too loud begging for attention. Of course I didn’t realize what I was doing until I saw the pained look on the Bank Teller’s face when I handed him my check. I think I blushed. I slowly walked away with my head in my hands and felt the shame of hypocrisy. Next thing you know I’ll be eating at the Olive Garden on a Sunday afternoon with a Blue Tooth in my ear…not on a call of course!
There is something I don’t understand…
Why is it when an attractive woman flashes a guy it becomes one of the greatest days of his life but when a man flashes a woman it quickly becomes the worst day of her life?
I know, I know naked men are not nearly as attractive as naked women but still…
I don’t get the whole “Josh Groban” thing. I get that he has a good voice…(you can totally imagine some guy in his shower with lots of gusto singing–”you raise me uppppppp!” (Note: Not talking about a Male Enhancement Drug))
But what I don’t get about Josh Groban are the, “He sounds like he is so mature”, “There is no way he is only in his twenties.” Really do you listen to him because he is Pavoratti stuck in a 23 year old man’s body? Or because he has a good voice?
If you want to listen to someone with a mature voice pick up yourself up a Thurl Bailey CD.
Why is it necessary for doctors to drive expensive cars with license plates that say stuff like, “Footdoc” , “thedr”, “doctor”, we get it you are better than us. We already feel like idiots when we visit your office (the robes even when you are getting your face checked), why the reminder of your superiority outside of the office?
I know one thing–”buttdr” probably isn’t taken yet.
I just got a special V.I.P invite from American Express to buy New Kids on the Block tickets. They are back together for another tour…I’m so thrilled!
Don’t you love how these bands get back together all of the sudden. We all know why they do it–$$$. Sadly we as American Consumers will pay money to see sub-par entertainment such as NKOB. I really don’t get it. They weren’t any good 15 years ago, why would they be any better now? What’s funny is that NKOB’s fanbase will probably look something like Barry Manilow’s fan base–a bunch of mid-age mom’s. But the scary kind, the kind that keep viles of Donnie’s sweat, that they got from the last concert in 92, on a necklace.
The tour will probably make 100 million dollars. The good news for us is that once it’s over we won’t see them for another 15 years…until reunion #2, when they will all be sponsored by Viagra.
I saw this while out on a neighborhood stroll…thought it was pretty funny and very true…
Please allow me to apologize for not writing the last couple of weeks-I have been quite busy! But never fear, I’m back and better than ever.
I want to share something you that really bugged me this weekend. We just got back from a trip to Yellowstone and while we were watching piping hot water come out of the ground (I know it’s a conspiracy–there are little guys with a fire house underground squirting out of a hole but regardless) and enjoying the scenery and beauty of the scene some idiot gets on his cell phone and starts talking about as loud as you can without getting to screaming level. “Yes, we’re at Old Faithful. Just checking things out..blah blah blah…” It really pissed me off. Who does that? I know it isn’t like we are at church or something but come on, I didn’t wait to see water spray 80 ft in the air and listen to you talk to your great aunt about how you are at Old Faithful…drives me nuts!
I guess Old Faithful really did blow this time. (Get it blow! HA!)
I have been thinking, very deeply I might add, about what is the greatest stomache ever is. I’m not talking about the Denny’s “Triple feta, green bean, chili, broccoli, asparagus, nacho cheese, omelette” I’m talking about the stomach ache you receive after eating really good food–even though you know you could be on the toilet for a week and a half after.
There are two I don’t think you can beat:
1. Thanksgiving Dinner
2. In and Out Burger, fries and chocolate shake.
I’m sure I’m missing something good–what do you got?
